Serious Talk Series
Anorexia nervosa: an eating disorder characterized by the persistent drive to be thin with an obsessive fear of gaining weight. Actions are taken to achieve and maintain thinness through starvation, exercise, weight loss programs, laxatives, or other self-induced means.
The label “anorexic” carries a weight of fear and discomfort. The word invokes a sense of unease due to the nature of the disease and the way culture has portrayed it. There are images of starving people, jutting bones, fainting women, protruding rib cages, dry skin, and a major lack of energy.
I always hated the word “anorexia.” I don’t like the way it sounds, the fear it invokes, the images it creates, or the reaction it elicits from others. It is a harsh word, a dirty word, and it feels even worse when someone diagnoses you as an anorexic. Even worse, thinking about anorexia brings a slew of confusion, frustration, and anger for a lot of people.
However, anorexia needs to be talked about and that is what I am going to do here.
Anorexia is a Mental Illness
Many people do not understand that anorexia nervosa is a mental illness. It is a psychological disorder that has physical characteristics, often seen by other people. It is the external reflection of internal pain, obsession, addiction, fear, and mental processes. Unlike other mental illnesses, anorexia is diagnosed with medical measurements paired with psychological markers.
Being a mental illness, anorexia is not something that can be turned off and changed by mere will. Instead, it is the deeply rooted fear and avoidance of gaining weight no matter how much the body may need it. Anorexia blinds a person from seeing the reality of emaciation and death that comes with starvation.
There is a misconception that anorexia is rooted in vanity. Yes, it can be selfish, but there is more than wanting to “look good” behind the mind of an anorexic. There are deeper emotions that rise when weight gain is presented. The fear of losing inherent value, believing people will judge you, the desire to control life, and a tie to identity all get tangled with the goals of anorexia.
It is important to realize that anorexia nervosa is first and foremost a mental illness that is not explicitly chosen by a person. Like depression or anxiety, it can be inherited or developed from external sources. But I cannot stress enough that an anorexic does not ever think to themselves, “I want to shrink myself to the brink of death with the small voice in my head prompting me to keep going. I want anorexia.”
The Mind of an Anorexic
The mind of someone suffering from anorexia is a terrifying place locked down by obsession, fear, drive, perfection, and addiction. It Is not merely the desire to remain thin, but it is the constant planning, thought, and action to remain thin or to even lose weight.
A mind with anorexia is a dark place. It feels like you are constantly sprinting away from a monster inside of you. One moment that demon wears the mask of anorexia; fears of weight gain, losing value, and the loss of control tormenting you. The next moment that demon wears the mask of innate survival; the fear of death, the desire to recover, and what might happen if you go another day of restricting food intake. It is confusing as you are on a constant wheel of heightened fear, but you have no energy to fight against that monster because you do not feed yourself.
The mind of an anorexic is chaotic yet weighed down by the knowledge that you are caught in a battle with yourself. There s confusion between your authentic voice and the voice of the eating disorder. It takes time to understand the difference between the two, but that process takes time and energy that cannot be mustered at times.
Veil of Ignorance
Anorexia blurs the vision of one suffering from the disorder and draws the eyes away from reality. The eyes of an anorexic do not see the destruction their body is enduring, how far they have fallen from health, or the biological need to eat food. The eyes of an anorexic do not see the relationships that are falling away, the brittle hair and dry skin, or how exhausted their mind and body have become. Anorexia takes all of the warning signals and fire alarms that are in the mind and assures the person suffering that all is okay. But the reality is that it isn’t
Often, people with anorexia also suffer from body dysmorphia. They do not see their body the way others see their body. It often appears bigger than it really is or they see themselves as the largest one in a crowd of people. The mind focuses on flaws rather than the whole person and drags attention to places that are deemed too large or need to be changed.
An anorexic operates behind a veil of ignorance, not being able to open their eyes and truly see what is happening to them.
I remember when I finally realized what was happening to my body. In my mind, I could justify the lack of food and high level of exercise. On paper, all of the numbers and behaviors added up to reflect the way anorexia had taken over. It didn’t occur to me that my body was emaciated and suffering until I had someone remove the veil from my eyes.
When we meet someone suffering from an eating disorder, it may seem obvious to us what is happening and what needs to change. But for them, it is not so simple. There is a level of denial, an armor of ignorance, and a defense of justification that is holding them down. Recognizing that they are operating from a distant place within their mind may help you know that they still need help.
“Just Eat”
The human brain is wired to understand what it needs to survive. In theory, this would mean that a person will naturally seek ways to stay alive with food, water, and shelter. However, the human mind is more complex than the automatic fulfillment of needs. There are emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and relational needs that also need o be met.
For people with anorexia, the thought process to obtain needs and stay alive becomes crossed with the thought process to provide for other complex needs. The introduction of trauma, self-doubt, depression, and anxiety muddle the need to survive.
To any outside person, the phrase “just eat” is an ableist claim that eating is easy. For a person with anorexia, the thought of eating provokes fear and anxiety. Be gentle with someone who finds it hard to eat, and understand that the human instinct to eat is overcome by alternative motives.
Recovery is Possible
I spent two years working toward a place of acceptance and truly wanting to recover from anorexia. Of course, I wanted freedom from constantly measuring my body and maintaining a low weight, but I didn’t want the full spectrum of what that meant. I wanted relief but I didn’t want full recovery.
I can confidently tell you now that wanting part of an eating disorder without suffering is impossible. It is like leaving 10% of infection and expecting your body to accept it. Recovery doesn’t work that way. You cannot walk around with a pair of handcuffs around one wrist and really feel free.
Yet I am also here to tell you that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. For anybody who wants it. The process is grueling and a constant uphill climb. The process is also gratifying and full of possibilities. Recovery is HARD and it is HOPEFUL.
I was at the absolute end of my chain when I chose to pursue recovery with all of my being, and I can confidently stand today with the knowledge that I am in active recovery. There is no time “too late” for recovery. It is a constant choice to stay in recovery and it is possible for every single person who wants it.
Recovery is hard, but the alternative is worse.
Coping in Recovery
Eating is not something humans can choose to do or not. In order to live, we need to eat and eat well. This is through consistent and constant meals and snacks. I know this may seem scary, but it is a universal truth. If you are suffering from an eating disorder, there are coping mechanisms that ease the distress of eating, body changes, life changes, body image, and everyday actions.
Distraction During Meals
This method is not always ideal, but finding distraction from loud ED thoughts is important during distressful meals. This may be with quality conversations, table games, word games, or listening to music.
Identify Values
Knowing what you value is so important for recovery. When you identify your values, call them to mind when your brain starts to fall toward disordered thinking and urges. Align these values with each action you take, bringing you closer to a recovered mindset rather than a sick mindset.
Opposite Action
When overcome with the urge to act on disordered behaviors, choose to act in opposition. Rather than restricting, eat to complete your meal plan; rather than exercising, watch a movie with a loved one; rather than body checking, name the abilities of your body. For each action, there is an opposite that can bring you closer to recovery.
Intentional Connection
On days that feel especially hard, call on your support system. Ask someone to eat with you, call a friend to hear positive things, or contact a trusted mentor to let them know how you are feeling. Engage in activities that bring you closer to other people rather than sitting in isolation. This lets positive interactions interrupt the noise of the disorder.
Resources
If you are unaware of the resources available for you to seek help in your walk with recovery, here is a list of resources. There is a range of treatment levels, support groups, videos, and discussions to help you or a loved one. Whether you are just learning about anorexia or are actively seeking help, this list is here to help!
Eating Disorders from the Inside Out: Laura Hill at TEDxColumbus
The Meadows Ranch – Female Eating Disorder Treatment